Thank you so much for asking such a difficult question. I would also like to commend you on your courage to seek help. It’s important for you to remember that you are not at fault here. Many people who are in abusive relationships have difficulty getting help and deciding what to do because they often feel confused about what is really happening and fearful that others may not believe them. This is partly because abusers rarely hurt their partners in front of others and often appear very charming to others, and partly because of something called the “cycle of violence.” In the cycle of violence, an abuser’s behavior can change from being hurtful and abusive all the way to making promises to change and being very loving and apologetic. This cycle often produces confused feelings for victims because it leads them to feeling hopeful that the abuse will one day stop and many times stunned when the abuser does not follow through with their promises to change.

It sounds to me like you have been experiencing both this cycle of violence and some feelings of confusion because his behavior changes between public and private times. I am also concerned about your safety as it appears that your boyfriend’s behavior has become increasingly physically harmful. I can understand how hard it must be to be in your position right now in which you feel like you love him, but hate when he hurts you. Talking to a counselor might help you to better sort out your feelings and to identify options you have to effect change. To access counseling services at the Counseling and Student Development Center, simply come into our office in room 200 of the Campus Life Building between 10am and 4pm Monday through Friday, allow for an hour to fill out some brief paperwork and meet with someone. You can also contact us at 753-1206. You can also talk with a counselor from Safe Passage, the local domestic violence shelter at 756-5228. It would also be helpful if you spent more time with friends and started participating in things you used to enjoy before you became involved with him. These activities can return to you a sense of who you used to be and who you still are. Finally, if you want to find out more information about dating violence or abusive relationships you can visit the Illinois Coalition Against Domestic Violence on-line at www.ilcadv.org or the Counseling and Student Development website at www.niu.edu/csdc/ipv.htm for more information. Thank you again for asking your question. I want to wish you all the best for a safe and healthy relationship and life.

Sincerely,
Barb Wired