Dear Student,

While you seem committed to your boyfriend and want to see things work out, his behavior seems to suggest greater ambivalence regarding his commitment to you. Complicating this is the fact that you now have a long-distance relationship, which often increases the strain on a couple. You seem to be suggesting also that because your boyfriend suffers from ADD and depression, he made a bad decision regarding his recent date with his ex-girlfriend. While he may indeed never want to hurt you intentionally, I wonder if he is unclear within himself regarding who he wants to be with at present. Such relationship confusion is often one of the hallmarks of college life, where so many aspects of personal identity are fluid and seemingly ever-changing. His struggles with ADD and depression can certainly add to his confusion.

I want you to know that your boyfriend can get counseling assistance at the Counseling and Student Development Center (CSDC) at no cost. Counseling might be able to help him with his feelings of depression so that he can be clearer emotionally and intellectually about who or what he wants in a romantic relationship. The Counseling and Student Development Center is located in the Campus Life Building, Room 200. Your boyfriend can just walk in any time between the hours of 10:00 AM and 4:30 PM, Monday through Friday, and he will be able to have an initial meeting with a counselor at that time.

The Center for AccessAbility Resources (CAAR), located on the fourth floor of the University Health Service, may be able to provide assistance for your boyfriend regarding his ADD. If he has not had contact wit this office, he should do so to learn about their services. Here is the link for their website: www.niu.edu/caar

When conflicts arise in a committed relationship that do not get resolved by the individuals themselves within a reasonable period of time, couples counseling is often the treatment of choice. Because you live and go to school in Chicago, this presents a problem geographically. If there are low-cost counseling resources near you in Chicago that offer couples counseling, this may be an option for when he is home with you. Alternatively, the NIU Family Center sees couples at a nominal cost, but this would involve you commuting to campus at a time when both of you could meet with a counselor in that clinic. To contact the NIU Family Center, call 815-753-1684.

I want to wish you well with your boyfriend. Being apart is difficult and adds to the emotional vulnerability that you feel regarding your possible future together. If there is any silver lining in all of this, it may be that the geographic distance might heighten the desire in both of you to work more intentionally and deliberately to communicate and care for each other. I hope that you will also consider the potential value of contacting the counseling center on your campus and seeking support for yourself. If you take care of yourself emotionally, it raises the likelihood that you will be more able to be the person you want to be in the relationship.

Sincerely,

Barb Wired