Before jumping to conclusions about what his behavior might mean, it would be important to recognize that there are probably multiple ways of understanding your fiancé’s behavior with his ex-girlfriend. Perhaps he is genuinely confused about his feelings of commitment, and his confusion is playing out in this way. Perhaps there is something “unfinished” in his relationship with her that needs to be dealt with before he can feel completely committed to you. Maybe he is angry with you for being too controlling and insisting that he not be friends with her, and this is how he is trying to meet his needs and “keep the peace” with you. In other words, there may be important psychological/emotional work that both of you need to do around the issue you have raised.

Thus, this situation creates a real opportunity for both you and your fiancé to grow together in a positive way. If both of you can open up to each other and face this concern together, you will each have taken a giant step forward in re-building trust and honesty in your relationship. Some people, once they know what the problem is, are able to move forward together without assistance. For many couples, however, outside help is needed, usually in the form of couples therapy.

At this point, I would suggest that you give your fiancé the benefit of the doubt regarding his motives for deceiving you. His behavior may reflect emotional issues that can be worked through positively. However, I am not suggesting that you just “forgive and forget.” For example, to do nothing and just hope that this problem “goes away,” would likely be naïve and ultimately self-defeating. What I am suggesting takes emotional strength and tenacity, i.e., your willingness to fight for the relationship to see if it is possible to save it. If you can confront this issue openly and honestly in the spirit of wanting to save your relationship and re-establish trust and intimacy, the odds increase that you will both grow from this experience and deepen your relationship in the process. If, in approaching the crisis in this way, you discover more problematic issues with your fiancé, then you will be in a better position to decide if the relationship is worth saving.

It is important to realize that there is always a risk in confronting such a difficult issue. Your relationship could get worse, at least temporarily, before it gets better, or this could lead to the ending of the relationship. Thus, an important question for you to ask yourself is, “Am I willing to take the risk of confronting this issue directly, knowing what might happen?” Conversely, another question is, “Am I willing to continue living like this, not knowing how much I can trust the person who I plan on living with for the rest of my life?”

At Northern, the NIU Family Center sees both student and non-student couples for relationship therapy. I would strongly suggest that you consider couples therapy at this agency. The NIU Family Center is located in Wirtz Hall, and their phone number is 753-1684. Another possibility is to consider pre-marital counseling with a trusted minister, priest, or rabbi. Such counseling is now often required, or at least highly recommended for engaged couples. This would be an ideal context for working through this issue. Take care and good luck. I hope things work out for the best for you and your fiancé.