Thank you for having the courage to ask about a surprisingly common experience among college men, but one that is difficult to talk about. Knowing how to connect with females appropriately and in a way that increases the likelihood of developing a meaningful relationship is essentially a mystery since it often involves an intangible “chemistry” between people. The place to start is with cultivating the basic skills involved in developing friendships. These skills are readily teachable and learnable. When mastered, such skills can help immensely in the process of relating effectively to others, and allow for a renewed sense of personal confidence. One of the most important skills to develop is the ability to listen carefully. Not only do people like to be listened to, but careful listening helps us figure out when someone is interested in us or, as you say, “leading you on.” The other important thing about listening carefully is that it lets you pay attention to the times when you have a good interaction with someone. Boosting self-confidence is all about paying attention to our small steps and letting them “count.”

You may have emotional or interpersonal “blind spots” that interfere with or sabotage your best efforts to sustain a relationship. People who have experiences of being rejected consistently can easily begin to expect being rejected. It can be difficult to figure out exactly how this gets communicated, but it does, and of course that is not the message you want to send. Your responses of sadness and sleeping all day, or not sleeping at all, suggests how devastating these cumulative emotional losses can be. It is only natural to wonder if you will ever be successful in a relationship.

I am glad that you are reaching out now to get the help that you want and need. Individual and group counseling at the Counseling and Student Development Center (CSDC) is available to help you with these concerns. The Relationship Enhancement Group is one option that addresses the issues with which you are currently struggling, as does individual counseling. Just stop by the Center, located in Room 200 of the Campus Life building, any time between 10:00 AM and 4:30 PM, Monday through Friday, and we will help you get started with counseling. Take care, and thanks again for sharing your struggle. You are not alone. We hope to see you soon.

Sincerely,

Barb Wired