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Dear Fighting Mad:
First, congratulations at recognizing and desiring to change patterns you see as destructive in your relationship. Now that this realization has been achieved, you might consider broaching the topic during a calm, as opposed to crisis-oriented, moment with your boyfriend: Specifically, it may be helpful to ask him if he, too, is upset by this pattern of verbal accusations, etc., and if he would be willing to try an experiment in which the next time things get heated, you both agree to behave differently. This might entail taking turns listening and reflecting on the other's position, agreeing to a mutual time-out, or a variety of other solutions. The idea is to do something different than what you are both used to doing during these encounters, in order to effect change. Building on the longevity and caring in your relationship will also aid you in remembering the larger picture of why you are together. Remember that the goal may not be to end disagreements or even arguments so much as to change the tone, or establish rules for "fair fighting." Finally, It is admirable that you wish to address this issue, and Barb Wired would strongly recommend couples' counseling. In fact, there is an excellent resource on campus, The NIU Family Center (753-1684), who work specifically on couples issues. Good luck in your communication strategies; these ideas may take some time to effect a noticeable difference, but with practice they will provide an alternative scenario. BW |