Dear Student,

Thank you for raising this concern and for recognizing that your reaction to your girlfriend’s past does not feel right, somehow. You seem to understand that this represents a double-standard in terms of your own behavior in other relationships. This is also an important awareness. I assume that your main concern is that unless you can drop this obsession with your girlfriend’s sexual history, you may ultimately drive her away and lose the relationship.

Often a new relationship represents a kind of emotional “new beginning” for one or both partners, and it is natural to want there to be no “history” that would jeopardize the hope for a positive future. It sometimes happens that, in one’s desire to “wipe the slate clean” for oneself, i.e., rid themselves of their own disappointing relational “history,” one partner will project this experience onto the history of the other, thereby creating an intense obsession with their partner’s past relationship “history.” However, the real problem revolves around their unfinished feelings regarding their own history. Thus, to focus on one’s partner’s romantic history is to essentially “miss the point,” thereby perpetuating a self-defeating relational pattern that inevitably leads to “more of the same.”

A second issue that may be of concern to you, and one that is more difficult to face, is the fear of being inadequate as a sexual partner. “How do I rate as a lover compared to her previous lovers?” Will I be good enough, sexually, that she won’t leave me?” This issue taps into what is often an underlying emotional vulnerability that is usually caused by many different aspects of a person’s life experience. This vulnerability can make a person feel highly anxious, possessive and insecure in romantic relationships to the point where the other person becomes an emotional lifeline. As a result, desperation can set in, causing increasing controlling behavior by one partner. This inevitably leads to interpersonal conflict, often in the form of using “past history” as “ammunition” against the other, and pushes the other partner to withdraw emotionally. In response, the controlling partner pushes for more intimacy through increasing controlling behavior, resulting in more emotional distancing by the other partner. Without professional help, this cycle can intensify to the point where the relationship ends, often with great distress and emotional wounding for both partners.

It is my hope that what I have written here will prompt you to reflect on your current situation and to drop your obsession with your partner’s romantic history. Hopefully you can leave the past in the past and relate to your lover in the present in ways that are mutually satisfying and growth-promoting. In a very real sense, all we ever have is the present moment. To live in the past is fundamentally a distortion of reality and inevitably leads to emotional pain. For most of us, this is a hard lesson to learn. If you think that counseling might be helpful to you in this process of re-learning, please do not hesitate to contact us. You can come by the Counseling and Student Development Center (CSDC) between 10:00 AM and 4:30 PM, Monday through Friday and we will be happy to get you started. Take care and good luck in your current relationship.

Sincerely,

Barb Wired