I’m sorry there is so much tension and anger between you and your mom. It seems that this conflict has been causing you both much unhappiness. It is very unfortunate to experience your own home as a kind of prison, with the person who should be your greatest support and ally instead acting as your warden. From how you are communicating about this struggle, it seems that you are at a point in your life where trust, independence, and freedom are the most important things for you. For some reason, it seems that your mother has a difficult time granting you the space that you want and need. Why might this be?

There can be issues on both sides of this conflict. Often, especially when a mother and child have been very close in earlier years, when it comes time for the child to have more freedom, it can be very difficult for the mother to let go, since the feeling of closeness has been so special to her. Now, I don’t know if this is true or not for your relationship with your mother, but it is worth thinking about the fact that most parents truly love their children, and want the best for them. Parents may feel very protective toward their children and view what you see as their controlling behavior as a way to insure safety. This is especially likely when the son or daughter has exhibited behavior in he past that has been a cause for concern. Have you done things that would make your mother worry about you, or not trust you? If so, even if the degree of her control seems like too much, then the best thing you can do is to demonstrate, through your attitude, behavior, and interaction with her, that you are worthy of her trust and that you can handle increased freedom and independence in a responsible way. This may take some time and seem unfair to you, but the simple fact is that most parents are willing to be reasonable about these issues if they experience their child as being reasonable about them. I worry that you might be sabotaging your own desire for more trust and freedom by the way you are responding to your mother, i.e., fighting back in negative and aggressive ways, prompting her to give you “more of the same.”

On the other hand, it is possible that some parents become over-controlling because of their own personal life difficulties which they then project onto their child. For example, maybe the parent was wild and irresponsible at your age and regrets having been that way. Rather than see you as a unique person who is different from themselves, they may unconsciously assume that you, too, will act this way if they don’t control you. They may not even be aware that they are doing this. This represents an emotional blind spot in the parent and unless dealt with productively, virtually insures continued conflict and anger between parent and child.

Regardless of the cause of your difficulties between you and your mother, it is important to know that counseling for both of you together can be quite effective in resolving this situation. You might suggest counseling to your mother as a way to deal with this for both of you. Good luck and thank you for sharing your concern. I hope that you will follow through and get help for your situation as soon as possible.

Sincerely,

Barb Wired