Dear Student,

Thank you for posting your question. Intimate relationships can be so difficult. It is a process of learning about one another, and taking risks to connect. Both people are trying to figure out if they can meet one another’s emotional needs.

It seems that you were very hurt and confused by this man. When one person is more focused on getting his needs met, without regard for the other person, this can cause a lot of emotional pain. It can be so great that you want to protect yourself from this hurt and confusion the next time.

I am very glad to hear that you have found support from a therapist to help you understand this past relationship. As you are aware, counseling can provide healing through discovering your strength and resilience. You express concern that others should be educated about people who can be very self-focused in relationships. My sense is that you do not want others to experience the kind of emotional hurt and confusion that you endured in your relationship with this man. You may even wish that someone had warned you, so that you would not have had to experience that pain.

Although we do not offer seminars that are specific to the traits of narcissists, we have talked to students about how to develop mutually fulfilling relationships, and how to tell when relationships feel unsafe or dissatisfying. There are some very useful books that I have recommended in the past, such as The Dance of Connection by Harriet Lerner, or Making Intimate Connections by Albert Ellis and Ted Crawford. These are available for students in the Resource Room at the Counseling and Student Development Center. I hope that the healing work you have done from this past relationship, will lead you to a more satisfying and reciprocal relationship in the future. Take care and good luck.

Sincerely,

Barb Wired