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Dear tired of lies, Thank you for having the courage to write about your very personal concerns. I can assure you that you are not alone in this kind of relationship struggle. I also want to express my concern that this has been so painful for you, and has been going on for so long. It sounds like the ongoing issue between you and your boyfriend is one of TRUST, and of trying to re-build your relationship with each other by establishing a new sense of trust between the two of you. As you have learned at great and continuing emotional cost to each of you, rebuilding trust is not easy, and takes time. It also appears that you and your boyfriend are trapped in a repeating cycle that is only making the situation worse, despite your good intentions and his apparently very positive other personal qualities. In a very real sense, this problem has now become bigger than both of you. When a relationship difficulty reaches this stage, it is clearly time for professional assistance. Actually, there is a strong likelihood that professional assistance could have prevented your relationship from getting to this point if you had sought help earlier. But you are by no means alone in putting off getting help, so please don't feel too badly about this aspect of your situation. In any relational conflict where two people are struggling like you and your boyfriend are doing now, it is easy to fall into the trap of each of you blaming the other for the problem. This tendency is likely to make things worse between the two of you. A better approach would be to assume that you are each trying, in your own way, to actually solve the problem. Unfortunately, attempted solutions by one partner often make the problem worse because only that person's side of the problem is addressed. For example, your boyfriend has apparently continued to lie to you about talking to this other female. Now, maybe he just can't be trusted and you should just end the relationship. More likely, however, since he has so many other positive qualities in relation to you and he has hung in there with you through some difficult times, it is possible that his "solution" is to "lie" to avoid more conflict, thereby, at least in his mind, increasing the chances that the two of you could be better together. Obviously, his lying feels extremely hurtful to you and intensifies your anger and sense of betrayal, and no doubt increases your feeling of emotional vulnerability. This causes more conflict and the painful cycle continues...for both of you. There is almost nothing more painful in a relationship than two people who are doing everything they can to try to make things better but are unintentionally making things worse because of misdirected "solutions" and/or personal vulnerabilities that fuel self-protective behavior. This is why I want to commend you for being so open about your own role in the conflict between you and your boyfriend. You wonder if you are blowing things out of proportion. Possibly, but more likely, you have been hurt in the past in ways that make your current reactions very understandable. It sounds to me that you don't want to be hurt again like you have been in the past. In other words, externally, your reactions may be viewed by yourself as well as by others as "extreme" or as "over-reactions." However, inwardly, based on your own personal experience of having been emotionally wounded, your reactions, psychologically, are readily understandable and "make sense." I want to strongly encourage both you and your boyfriend to consider the possible advantages of counseling as a way of helping you both escape from the repetitive, self-defeating cycle in which you are trapped. Regarding counseling, there are two main options on campus for you to consider. For individual counseling, you can contact our office, the Counseling and Student Development Center. To make an appointment, please call 753-1206, or simply utilize our walk-in service between the hours of 10:00 AM and 3:00 PM, Monday through Friday. For couples counseling, call the Family Center of NIU (753-1684), located in Wirtz Hall. Thank you again for sharing this most personal of concerns. Just by doing so, you have already helped others who may be struggling with similar issues. Take care, and we hope to see you soon. Sincerely, |