Thank you for asking such a difficult question. Like you, many college students face uncertainty and difficulties in their romantic relationships, and finding someone to talk to about it can be a wonderful help as you try to sort through your feelings.

It seems to me that you and your partner have been through a lot in a very short time and this can often create even more confusion and heartache. While we all want to feel loved and connected with another in that special way that romantic relationships often provide, it’s important that we don’t lose sight of ourselves and our own needs in this quest for love.

You are probably feeling very confused about him and the relationship in part because you have been getting mixed messages from him regarding his feelings for you and his plans to maintain or break off the relationship. Additionally, some of the things he may have said to you feel hurtful and are attacking your self-esteem and causing you to doubt yourself and your perceptions. Things such as name calling, extreme jealousy, controlling behavior, and manipulation can be early warning signs of an abusive relationship.

Abuse doesn’t always take the form of physical violence, but can also be verbally or emotionally violent as well. Yet in most abusive relationships, the abuser can also seem very loving and nice sometimes, while being hurtful at other times. This is called the Spiral of Violence, and can create even more confusion when we try to figure out whether our relationships are healthy or abusive. In healthy relationships however, we feel free to be ourselves without worry that our partner may leave us because they don’t like what we said or did, and we also feel respected, loved, and supported by our partner.

It seems to me that at this point the most important thing is how you are feeling about yourself and your relationship. Just because your partner doesn’t want to go to counseling doesn’t mean that you can’t. It might be helpful to talk to someone on a regular basis about your feelings as you try to sort out what you want to do. To access counseling services at the Counseling and Student Development Center, simply come into our office in room 200 of the Campus Life Building between 10am and 4pm Monday through Friday, allow for an hour to fill out some brief paperwork and meet with someone. You can also contact us at 753-1206. It would also be helpful if you spent more time with friends and started participating in things you used to enjoy before you became involved with him. These activities can return to you a sense of who you used to be and who you still are. Finally, if you want to find out more information about dating violence or abusive relationships you can visit the Illinois Coalition Against Domestic Violence on-line at www.ilcadv.org or the Counseling and Student Development website at www.niu.edu/csdc/ipv.htm for more information. Thank you again for asking your question. I want to wish you all the best for a safe and healthy relationship and life.

Sincerely,

Barb Wired